It’s certainly taken a lot of resilience and strength to persevere through this pandemic — particularly given the backdrop of political chaos, uncertainty and immense change in our daily lives. Yet perhaps it is this attitude of “staying strong,” and acting stoically — which is rooted in a culture that favors and thrives off toxic masculinity — that has hurt and continues to hurt us the most.
Toxic masculinity, which has become a household phrase over the last few years, is when the archetypal image of masculinity, like displaying strength, becomes harmful to oneself. In 2005, in a study of men in prison, psychiatrist Terry Kupers defined toxic masculinity as “the constellation of socially regressive male traits that serve to foster domination, the devaluation of women, homophobia, and wanton violence.” The phrase is used to describe the issues men face or sometimes, wrongfully, justify them. Certainly, in a patriarchal society, toxic masculinity not only defines people but politics — as its mores trickle into our entertainment, discourse and politics.
Notably, the pandemic response is being led by the most psychologically compromised, toxic men in America. As I wrote last weekend, President Donald Trump’s insistence on depicting himself as so strong as to be able to “work through” his COVID-19 illness is deeply harmful, and apt to put Americans’ lives at risk who mimic his behavior — either by working while sick or hiding symptoms.
Meanwhile, Trump’s re-election campaign has tried to frame Trump as a “warrior” — masculine, strong and void of emotion. The administration’s individualistic, pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps rhetoric personifies toxic masculinity, and trickles down to Trump’s underlings, too. In June, Vice President Mike Pence wrote an op-ed essay in The Wall Street Journal claiming there was no second wave of COVID-19, despite all the evidence to the contrary. “We are winning the fight against the invisible enemy,” Pence wrote then, adding “our greatest strength is the resilience of the American people.”
Yet as psychologists will warn, there is a dark side to resilience.
“There is no doubt that resilience is a useful and highly adaptive trait, especially in the face of traumatic events,” psychologists Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic and Derek Lusk wrote in Harvard Business Review. “However, when taken too far, it may focus individuals on impossible goals and make them unnecessarily tolerant of unpleasant or counterproductive circumstances.” In other words, self-sufficiency is not always a show of strength; humans, as social creatures, rely on others for society to function and to remain healthy. Denying that means hurting ourselves, either by delaying care or eschewing guidance that may help us or save others.
I’ve often wondered how much my so-called “resilience” in all of this is just making me numb and tolerant, in an unhealthy way. When looking at which countries have the pandemic somewhat under control, we look and judge their leaders. It’s interesting to do this through a gendered lens. For example, New Zealand has some of the lowest coronavirus numbers in the world under Prime Minister Jacinda Adern’s leadership. That’s partly because she never advertised grandiose ideas about being above or stronger than the coronavirus. As I’ve previously written, the strengths—such as empathy and compassion— Ardern has brought throughout her tenure are the very same traits that have been used against women seeking leadership positions in the workplace and in the public sector. When male leaders display traditionally feminine qualities, they can also be maligned as weak — former House Speaker John Boehner, for example, used to shed tears in public; Politico’s response was to ask, “Why Does John Boehner Cry So Much?”
It’s obvious the Trump administration is terrified of appearing “weak” during the pandemic. But where has that gotten us? Prioritizing the economy over our health. Over 8 million infections, and 218,000 Americans dead. And the politicizing of wearing masks, as though wearing them were a sign of weakness — something Trump mocked his opponent Joe Biden for at their first and so far only debate.
As much as toxic masculinity’s social repercussion are harmful to our physical health, it is also taking a toll on our mental health. A study published in JAMA Network Open in September showed that three times as many Americans met criteria for a depression diagnosis during the pandemic compared to before it. According to an analysis of Google Trends, symptoms of anxiety increased too.
Why? In part, it could be a result of having to power through these extraordinarily abnormal times without seeking help — that “bootstraps” mentality innate to toxic masculinity. One’s attempts to hold it together can devolve into emotional suppression, which in return can cause more emotional distress. In July 2018, Penn State researchers found that women tried to suppress their fears about the Zika virus reported higher levels of fear later. “It turns out that not only is suppression ineffective at handling fear, but it’s counter-productive,” one researcher said. “It creates a cycle of fear — and it’s a vicious cycle.”
As a society, many of us — particularly men — haven’t been authorized to express sadness publicly, and these studies reflect that. With over 200,000 Americans dead of coronavirus, their loved ones are grieving. Seven months later, we’ve yet to have a moment of national reflection to mourn.
As it is with the death of a loved one, grief isn’t lessened by ignoring one’s uncomfortable emotions. Instead, it requires collective vulnerability, compassion and patience. As author David Kessler told HBR:
Emotions need motion. It’s important we acknowledge what we go through. […] We tell ourselves things like, I feel sad, but I shouldn’t feel that; other people have it worse. We can — we should — stop at the first feeling. I feel sad. Let me go for five minutes to feel sad. Your work is to feel your sadness and fear and anger whether or not someone else is feeling something. Fighting it doesn’t help because your body is producing the feeling. If we allow the feelings to happen, they’ll happen in an orderly way, and it empowers us. Then we’re not victims.
As we try to stay strong through this pandemic, the strength we seek to feel will come from falling apart and allowing ourselves to feel the loss and the chaos—physically and emotionally. By persevering through that, still standing in so much unknown, we can experience real strength. In other words, the non-toxic kind.